A Light Comment almost 50 years ago and it still troubles - Butterfly Effect?

It was almost  50 years ago. We were having a chat about my stay for a year in Europe. I had loved the stay. I have no recollection of it except for a side comment I made and this was long before Nokia made the world conscious of the existence of Finland.

 If I had a say in where I was born, I would have chosen Finland.

Even today, long after my parents have passed away, I can still feel the unhappiness of my father. He did not understand my statement. Perhaps no-one did. 

I did not  wish to be a migrant - or worse, a refugee. However, that does not prevent me from a desire to have been born and brought up in a society which is egalitarian, caring, trusting and, I cannot explain, the feeling of being made comfortable and welcome even to a stranger like me. 

The trigger today was a forward I did not see, which said that we would not have known about it if "a CCTV camera had not been installed by my  brother".

I do not want to live my life worrying about a stranger robbing or killing me. That risk is negligible compared to each trip I take on the road -  whether driving or walking!

A very clean memory

More memories of Andhra :)

My breakfast on each visit to Andhra was black grape juice and pesarattu. It probably started with a night's stay in Vizag on my way, I think, to Orissa. 

I can't recall how I wound up at the hotel, but it seemed nice from the outside. They had no A/C rooms available. Since it was just for a night, I decided to stay there even though I was taken aback by the room cost. After my experiences in the North, I had very low expectations given the price of the room!

However, the hotel lobby and the passage were clean and well lit. The room itself was very clean and remarkably airy. Sadly, I have forgotten the name of the hotel though the stay was very comfortable and pleasant.

Given the above experience, cleanliness doesn't have to be expensive. 

I have never understood - what prevents cleanliness in our societies?

 The 'rise and fall are the “Andhrapreneurs” ' reminded me of my first account with a private sector bank. I had always felt uncomfortable with private sector banks. A couple of interactions with their representatives had left me uncomfortable, similar to my comfort level in 5 star hotels, that is, I don't belong there.

On an impulse, I walked into the branch of Global Trust Bank in Panaji. I needed a demat account and they were on the list given me by the share broker. I was very surprised. 

• It was clean and pleasant. 
• It was tech savvy.
• The person was genuinely helpful.
• I felt at ease.

My relationship with the bank increased. There was once some financial interaction my parents had to do. They visited the GTB branch in Chandigarh and were very impressed as well. They too opened an account there :) Had it been nearer, that would have become their primary branch.

Even after the bank was taken over by Oriental Bank, these branches continued nearly as before. I believe part of the reason must be that the working environment in these branches was much better than in one of the original Oriental Bank branches I visited. 

I miss the absence of GTB and wonder 

• what if election funding was far more transparent in India?
• what if we got rid of the 'First Past the Post' elections given the multiplicity of parties and interests they represent?

I am sure the fate of entities like GTB would have been very different and India would be a far richer and better country.

It's a wonderful life and suicidal thoughts

"It's a Wonderful Life" has always felt like a corny film and, yet, it's message of optimism has been unforgettable. I was reminded of the film by the impact a silly act had on me years ago and I wish I could thank the two involved.

It was the start of spring and I was walking home - depressed. Progress in research had been very slow and seemed hopeless. I used to walk through the city forest near Helsinki railway station on my way home. I was fantasising about jumping in front of the train going from Helsinki to Leningrad.

My thoughts were interrupted by a pre-teen. It took me a while to understand the broken English and Finnish words. She was asking if I had a pen. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Sorry, no". Suddenly, she kissed my cheek and rain away.

It was a strange experience even though my looks aroused curiosity even in Helsinki in those days. Suddenly, I heard two girls giggling away.

It changed my mood. I felt I was taking me/life too seriously. I have never contemplated suicide since.

So, I hope those two anonymous girls have had a wonderful life.

Discovering that I like books more than people

I am euphoric. My father is being transferred to Calcutta. We are in a train - in a first class compartment. So far, I have only traveled by 3rd class. I feel important. Today, though I am deeply embarrassed by my feelings of the time.

I am not going to miss the school in Delhi. Aside from the miserable experience of having to recite poetry, all I can recall is standing at the school bus stop in a blazer wondering if the bus has already gone or am I early.

It is a few months till my father gets a government flat from one the various priority queues. Its location is in the C row, where the flats are for clerical staff except that a couple of flats are kept for special cases like my father's. The class consciousness of the government officials' families was very noticeable. As soon as any of the children knew my address, they would wander off.

I spend my time reading books from the National Library. I read a lot. I have a rather peculiar way of bragging about it. When the exams came, especially the finals, I am bored. I keep up with the studies during the year and just cannot spend much time revising. (I am finally doing well in my studies though my parents never highlighted any of it.) The 60+ in humanities and 80+ in maths and science keep me among the top few students.

During one of the exams, I found Anand Math - a pretty thick and heavy book for a pre-teen but I enjoyed reading it during the classes when we were supposed to be quiet and revising.

Given my attitude, I can easily appreciate now that while my fellow students were friendly with me, there was no closeness with anyone. I miss that today.

A Lasting Education in Appreciating Poetry :(

The classroom is still a tent. It seems bigger or I am sitting further back. The school must have shuffled the students when moving to the next class. No one I know is in my section.

The teacher seems far and the blackboard small. I am anxious. I had to learn the poem, 'If you don't succeed at first...". I dread the thought of being called. I am called and the memory after that fades, except that it did not end happily.

Was I standing in front of the class, tongue-tied? I just don't know. All that remains is a sense of panic.

A decade later, I am in a cozy, compact class on English literature. The only reason I am in the class is that I need to take two courses in English to get a degree. A fellow student has brought a guitar. She is singing "I want to put beans in my ear".

The professor is discussing the topic of poetry. She wants to know why I do  not have any opinion or comment to offer. My mind just goes blank. She probes me further - finally, I relate the above incident. She commiserates with me as she believes that memorization and recitation of poems in schools have ruined poetry for many, including me!!

I am happy that I can at least enjoy some novels in verse -  like the Golden Gate.

The Birthday Party

My sister celebrated her birthday at my maternal grandparents' place. I want to celebrate mine. It is not a convenient time.

My grandmother is being operated for cataract on the same day. A room has already been cleaned and green curtains installed. We are not allowed to enter the room. The operation is to be done at home. (I wonder why I never asked my parents about it, especially why it was at home and not at a hospital.)

My parents give in to my stubbornness, as I normally do not ask for anything.

There are 4 students in my class who travel by the same school bus. Two are already in the bus and two board the bus along with me. I decide to call them.

On the day, I am waiting anxiously. No one shows up. I walk nearby where one of the students stays. The house is closed and  no one is home.

A second boy lives a little farther away. I walk and find him playing cricket with his friends. I drag him home. We play a while and go through the motions.

It is not a total disaster. Many of my aunts and uncles have come to visit my grandmother and they join in the celebrations.

I still get very nervous if guests are late :)

3rd year, 3rd school and a medical checkup

My father got an official accommodation. I could no longer continue with my existing school.

Most likely, my father took the help of Khushwant Singh and I was called for an interview at a prominent public school.

My father tells me that the principal was impressed. He asked my age. That was simple but he asked for months and days as well. It seems that I had no problems.

I remember that the classes were in tents. One day we lined up for a medical checkup. Among the vital statistics measured was the length of the penis.

I must have felt awkward because I did not tell anyone at home about it.

My second year of schooling and a new school

Other than this memory, I have no recollection of my first school, except that I never talked to the girl in the front row :)

My father changes his job. His job is transferable and my school is changed to a newly opened English medium school.

My teacher knows my mother. I recall my mother telling my father that the teacher sent a thank you note. She appreciates the corrections my father makes in my class work and home work of her errors in English. 

The school is a bit far and as far as I can remember, I walk home alone. It seems striking today that my generation's parents weren't worried about children getting lost or being kidnapped or rash drivers killing us on the road.

My first proper school

I am sitting in a classroom. It is pretty big but half empty. I am sitting on one of the last occupied benches.

The teacher must have given us something to do. I can see her with other teachers standing in the sun in the corridor. They are all knitting.

I am looking at a front bench, wanting to talk to the girl sitting in the front row.

The boys sitting next to me wrinkle their noses. They are making snide remarks at me. I have just released a silent bomb. I am wishing that I wish I could be sitting alone in the back.

I am walking home, a bit desperate. I don't make it in time. My pants are full of crap.

Reflections on coming to terms with growing old

I now need to decide what next. The first thought was to understand where I am.

It surprised me that I could not recall concrete events which helped me understand my  perceptions about my life!

The  few events I can recall mostly relate to failure or embarrassment :)

May be I will force myself to write some of them and that may trigger some more memories.

The first memory I have is the result I am sure of being told by my parents.

I was a quick learner and had learnt to read at an early age. My father wanted my grandmother to learn to read. He got her started but she would be confused by the letters.

She found it easier to ask me rather than my parents. I suppose I exclaimed that how many times had I told her that. She then said that I was right and she was too old to learn.

Update: On reflection, a great deal of my behaviour later on in life is quite possibly influenced by that event. I still feel guilty about it.

Is Silicon Valley too hyped?

After I came across "Where is Europe's Silicon Valley?", it has been bothering me. If I were young today, I would be very reluctant to come to Silicon Valley based on the comparison of my visit 2 years ago and now.

I had come back to San Francisco area for the first time after over 40 years 2 years ago. I was surprised by how little it had changed. The public transport was similar though the street cars were replaced by light rail. They were traveling on the same paths, except that now light rail was underground on Market street. I could follow the same routes I used to take as a teenager and a student here. The houses in Sunset district seemed the same. The house we had rented for US$200 probably rented for a lot more but it was still better than the fall in the value of the rupee during the same period. I had liked the visit.

So, what has happened in the last two years to make me unhappy about this place? It has to be the rate at which the rents are increasing in comparison to the salaries. If a person was already paying 40% of take home on rent, obviously the quality of life is going to suffer.

Hence, it was nice to read "Jimmy Wales: London is Better for Tech Than 'Dreadful' Silicon Valley"

“I meet people around London and they ask ‘when do you go back to San Francisco?’ assuming I’m here for a few days, but I live in London,” he said at the launch of Tech.London.

It takes time for people's mindset to change and it will.

Even in India, housing remains a big issue. When I started, as my uncle told me that even his colleague at a newspaper, who was a committed communist, had to pay black to buy a flat. Hence, buying a place was a very difficult proposition for young people without family money. No longer thanks to loans and organized builders catering, in particular, to the IT boom.

The bottom line - the direction of change matters more.
In India, we see hope as our standard of life keeps improving. In the west, we can look forward to the deterioration of our life in comparison to that of our parents. 

No wonder I am happier in Goa or Chandigarh or even Pune :)

Moral hazard of going to a Goan Wedding

It was in 1964 at the wise age of 14 influenced by the flower generation, I became a vegetarian and have remained so for half a century. I had found solace in G B Shaw's statement

  “I do not want to make my stomach a graveyard of dead animals.”    George Bernard Shaw

Yesterday, I became aware of having eaten a tiny chicken sandwich soon after eating it. I drowned my sorrow with another glass of beer.

I can't help but wonder would it have been so hard for the wedding organizers to have an option of a vegetarian snacks plate? Or am I being unduly difficult?

Anyway, I was mentally prepared to leave before dinner knowing that the buffet won't open till well after my bedtime and I did :)

However, this is the wedding I am not likely to forget because I ate a chicken sandwich!

The Lure of the US

The attraction of US for the girls who committed suicide, reminded me of a friend. He was telling us of his engagement. His fiance and her family were very impressed with his US experiences. He, however, had told them that he had returned - period. The fiance agreed that he would not be returning.

I met him six months later. His marriage had fallen apart. His wife and her family could not convince him to migrate back to US even AFTER the marriage!

I had lost touch with him and most of my academic friends and colleagues. I met a mutual friend some half a dozen years later. The tragedy was that my friend had recently returned to the US. For reasons unknown.

I suspect it was not a reconciliation with the spouse. I too would have desperately tried to return had I not escaped from Indian academics into software industry :(

To understand why: just consider the advice being given by UGC to IIT :)

An unstable society thanks to risk aversion?

This was the first news I read and it depressed me. Why should they have felt:

Everyday a new man would come and chase us. They would pass lewd remarks and offer us phone numbers.
The people around us would stare as if we had done something wrong.

 I have not done anything wrong to bring shame to my family.

Both shared a dream: a life in America, a world removed from Rohtak.

Why couldn't they just shrug off the idiots? Why should their dreams and hopes be migration and escape to the US?

Here are some memories triggered in my mind:

• Years ago, a friend said that after returning from US, he decided that he was not going to get married in a traditional way. He said that if he told of his efforts, we would be rolling on the floor with laughter while he is still licking his wounds. (He finally asked his parents to find him a wife.)
• I tried to convince our principal that we should have a formal welcome and introduction of new students. He did not agree. Ragging had to be avoided. The college had no ragging; however, there was minimal interaction between the students across years. (To be fair, if I had to take the decision, I too may have opted for the safe option as the press and publicity with any ragging incident, real or presumed, would have been intolerable)
• A colleague who looked and dressed like a student, sat on a bus with a new student. She was terrified! He relaxed her by telling her that he was faculty member. But is such a fear reasonable at all in any society?
• A school principal mentioned about his efforts to convert a boys only school to coed. He told us that the behaviour of some students from the school when they went to 11th class was uncivilized. He felt that it was the first time many of the teen boys were interacting with girls and just did not know how! (I expect that the behavioural problems of teen boys  would be considerably worse outside Goa.) He failed to get the school converted.

We cannot protect our children from all danger or harm. They need to learn to handle and cope with life. As the following talk by Jeremy Rifkin mentions empathy would not exist in Utopia! Or we can learn from the biography of Gautama Buddha:

Despite his father's efforts to hide from him the sick, aged and suffering, Siddhartha was said to have seen an old man. When his charioteer Channa explained to him that all people grew old, the prince went on further trips beyond the palace. On these he encountered a diseased man, a decaying corpse, and an ascetic. These depressed him, and he initially strove to overcome aging, sickness, and death by living the life of an ascetic.
 

Love of Films - Remembering how it started

Thinking about Stanley Kubrick and Juvenile Justice reminded me of the very first film of Stanley Kubrick I had seen - Dr. Strangelove. I suspect that after seeing that film I probably stopped wanting to be nuclear physicist :)

Actually, that film was among the first English films I had seen, thanks to Government of India. My father was among the last to be transferred who had to travel to US from India with his family by ship! The ship from Southampton to New York showed a film every day. So, I saw 5 or 6 films during that journey.

The ones I still remember aside from Dr. Strangelove:

7 faces of Dr. Lao - probably the only one meant for my age at the time.
7 Days in May - I liked Kirk Douglas a lot though I remember him most for his role in Kubrick's Spartacus.

So, Thank you, Govt. of India!

Oh, a political thriller I found more thrilling than 7 Days in May: Costa Gavras' Z

The True Right to Education - Goan experience 20 years ago

When I think of the RTE act, I think of my personal experiences around 20 years ago.

I had been transferred to Goa and it was the middle of the school year. I sought help of colleagues for admission to schools and was suggested a school near my residence (and office). We went to meet the principal. I was terribly scared.

The experiences in Delhi with schools were memorable and by no means pleasant. We had been lucky with our elder son. A new school had opened and admission was relatively simpler. I had been deeply disturbed about the alternate of taking help of my father's connections for admission. Situation is most likely much worse now in Delhi than it was a quarter of a century ago.

Anyway, after a brief talk, our sons were admitted and we happily went to the school office. We asked where to pay the fees. The office was confused. It took them and us a while to understand that the education was free. No fees whatsoever!

So, this brings me to the point which bothers me about RTE. Private schools are being asked to reserve seats for the under privileged, whereas I would have preferred a scenario where even the rich want to go to public(as in free) schools as our children experienced in Goa.

The more I read about the teachers being absent from school or not teaching and the more I fail to understand.

• How can a person stand in front of children for years and ignore their needs? 
• What sort of a person would do that?
• How do such people wind up in the school system?
• Is the selection process the culprit?
• Is the schools' culture such that the teachers conform to not teaching?
• Has the society become so perverse that we do not feel any shame or guilt about not fulfilling our responsibilities?

Children's Mind - the little memories that remain indelible

Franz Kafka's Letter to his Father is tied up in my mind with a tiny incident which still makes me feel guilty. Chances are that I recall this incident because I was told about it as I was growing up.

My father was keen that my grandmother learn to read. She started to read headlines. She was too embarrassed to keep asking my mother or father so would ask me instead. It seems that I lost my patience once and said that "How many times have I told you that".

My grandmother told my father that I was right and that she was too old to learn. There was no way that I could undo the damage I had done and still remember it even when I am a grandfather.

Perhaps that's why the following sentence deeply affected me when I read Kafka in my college days. The way a child interprets events is not necessarily the way we(adults) expect:

I am not going to say that this was wrong—perhaps there was really no other way of getting peace and quiet that night—but I mention it as typical of your methods of bringing up a child and their effect on me. I dare say I was quite obedient afterward at that period, but it did me inner harm.

Tolerating religion - taking the easy option

I came across the following Reading the Bible (Or the Koran, Or the Torah) Will Make You an Atheist from is-this-the-first-honest-bible, which also had this wonderful link God Is Disappointed in You: Original Sin.

I had personally been relieved when the anglican school allowed us to opt out of the bible class and take moral education instead. My teacher was very disappointed. I was the best student. I could answer the questions as expected to the delight of our teacher :) I never had the courage to actually tell him what I thought about what he was teaching us.  Aside from the emotional scar, the content was GIGO.

Similarly, I avoided any argument or discussion about my views of Ramayana. Aside from the childhood memory of loving Rama burning the Ravana effigies on Dussehra, I can't ever recall any appreciation of his actions. I preferred Ramayana Retold by Aubrey Menen. I had read it abroad (my father had bought it). I believe it was banned in India. More recently, I also loved Sita Sings the Blues (on Wikipedia).

Stories from Mahabharata were different. Even Yudhishtra could be made to lie! The moral ambiguities of the heroes were quite a learning experience. The irony of Dron Acharya forcing Eklavya to cut his right thumb and then both of them fight on the same side against Arjun is something which still troubles me.

As a child, I am told I troubled my parents because we visited a temple ruin and there was no priest to give me prasaad. However, for as long as I can remember, I have been extremely uncomfortable whenever I had to go to a temple or any religious place. I tolerated it out of politeness. Even today, I take deep breaths and ignore statements about "god's will" or similar statements as meaningless and not worth offending my neighbours and relations. But, I have to make a strenuous effort to avoid the temptation to respond.

I suppose the content mentioned above had a greater impact today because of the depressing headline about pointless violence in today's paper.

Prime Minister Communicates in Rajya Sabha - there is hope for Indian parliament

After a long time, I watched Rajya Sabha in session and listened to the Prime Minister's statement about the economic problems and the discussion that followed.

It demonstrated that Manmohan Singh can communicate! It is sad that he does it so rarely. He comes across very nicely in small groups (obviously televised as I have never seen him in person) and interviews  but sounds boring in speeches.

I wish he would have a monthly one-to-one interview, possibly with a different interviewer/channel each month.

I recall the disappointment with V P Singh's talks on TV after he became the PM. Somehow, his language and presentation moved from conversational and inspiring to bureaucratic and stiff. Possibly, TV was a new medium in India and his advisors must have been bureaucrats. Today, he could have seen Obama, Blair, Clinton and realised the alternative styles and ignored the bureaucrats.

V P Singh as PM seemed to talk as a PM was supposed to "talk" - serious and remote. It was sad and that stiffness probably caused his ideas and aims of social justice to be missed by the public. It is ironic that there was no opposition to Mandal after his government fell. I like to believe that discussions on social justice at that time might have resulted in far better mechanisms for positive discrimination to achieve some common aims than the rigidity of reservation percentages.

Back to the discussion in the Rajya Sabha today.

The points raised by the opposition were pertinent though surrounded by verbosity. I wish they would follow the elevator pitch. Were their interventions as precise and pointed as one which would not be longer than an elevator ride, effectiveness would have been far greater. They may even learn from twitter. Raising one pointed issue may raise the level of debate and cause discomfort to the government to a far greater extent.

It was ironic that when the PM responded and pointed out that a functioning parliament is critical for investor confidence, the opposition interrupted him repeatedly. They didn't seem to realise that they were proving the PM's point!

I loved PM's one liner to an interruption I could not hear - "I am not the custodian of files in the coal ministry."

One question which no one asked - why consensus in parliament is needed to improve bureaucratic processes and reduce red tape?